Sunday, April 24, 2011

Making the right wrong decision

Some of us do it in broad daylight, some of us do it sneakily, some of us do it when we are lonely while some of us do it out of need for excitement. We are all guilty of it, the only difference is that while some of us openly admit to it, others don’t. No, I am not talking about singing in front of the mirror, grabbing a hairbrush and pretending to be Brittany/ Aerosmith/someone else along those lines (oh don’t EVEN pretend that YOU don’t do it!)… I am talking about falling for the wrong person.
Yes, I said it. The wrong person. I personally have had a long history of falling for men who I could clearly see were not the right ones for me. If there was ever an AA meeting of sorts for people who fell for the wrong people, my intro would sound something like

“Hi, My name is Jane Doe and I am a falla-wronga-holic”

I don’t know why I do it. I don’t even consciously make the decision and I would never have known I did it unless I hadn’t retraced the bread-crumbs to follow the trail of my romantic life. However, now that I know it, there is no avoiding it. When I find myself attracted to a guy, all it takes is a few intense moments of introspecting to find out why the person is not right for me. If there was ever a distinction between the mind and heart, it was never more defined than this time. The entire scenario goes something like this:

Jane Doe sees guy.
Jane Doe falls in love.
Jane Doe’s Heart “ I’m in love I’m in love I’m in love”
(Heart gazes off into space while smelling daisies)
Jane Doe’s mind “ No no no no..not again!....aaaaarghhhh!”
(Mind exits running with arms flailing in air)

Now, I know that I am not the only one who has fallen for someone who isn’t right for me. As a matter of fact, most of us make the decision thinking it is the right decision. However, armed with the knowledge that the person isn’t the right person for us, the decision we make can aptly be called the right wrong decision. We find ourselves convincing out own selves that we can get through this. We remind ourselves of sayings like “Love can cross all barriers”, “Love is blind” and the ever so famous “ Love is all you need”. We even try to rationalize it…only the rationalizing is twisted. I have listed a few examples for your convenience:

A neat freak thinking “ I can make it work with a guy/gal who believes that cleanliness is next to Satan-ness”
A shy timid homely person thinking “ I can make it work with someone who only takes a break from partying/drinking when the need to pee is greater”
A passionate proponent of gay rights thinking he/she can have a healthy fruitful relationship with a homophobe.

Ok fine so the above scenarios might seem a bit extreme but I know you guys get the point. In my cultural perspectives on psychology class that I took last semester, we spend weeks and weeks talking about the differences between people that arise in terms of world view, ethnocentrism, values, beliefs, languages, thought patterns etc and yet I find myself struggling with convincing myself when the object of my affections is obviously not the right one for me. And then, to confuse me even further is the line of thinking molded along the idea that when two people love each other, compromises need to be made. How much can a person compromise without losing a chunk of his/her own individuality/personality? Perhaps some of us fall for the wrong person because subconsciously we are relieved at the prospect of not having to worry about long term commitments with someone. If this is true then I can add onto my AA introduction and make it sound like this

“Hi, My name is Jane Doe and I am a falla-wronga-holic because I am too uncertain of myself to desire a long-term relationship and too insecure to not have a relationship at all.”

Some others perhaps fall for the wrong person because we like the excitement of the unknown and seek others who are different from us to fill the void we feel in our own lives. Another explanation could simply be that finding faults in our potential lovers is just a way to avoid any serious inquiry into establishing the relationship. Or perhaps there is some other explanation for this…the presence of which I do believe is quite plausible. Thus, I am going to turn the question over to you, the reader. Why is it that we find our affections finding solace in the thoughts of someone who we clearly know is not the right match for us? If you have experienced this yourself then feel free to use examples. However, you don’t HAVE to give us examples. Quizás one of you has an entire thesis on this topic. Quizás you have a theory that needs to be shown the light of day. quizás you would just like to leave a comment on my apparent lack of anything constructive to do except write notes on Facebook. Quizás some of you are wondering what the heck quizás means. Whatever it is, gimme your two cents worth.

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